It's October 2019, and I find myself sitting on the beach at Padre Island, making my last phone call in the United States. I remember the sand under my feet, the wind coming off the water, the sky stretching out forever. I remember holding the phone to my ear, listening to it ring and ring while the waves crashed in front of me. I call my aunt and sit there, staring at the water and sky, listening to the sounds. The phone rings endlessly, almost hypnotizing me as I drift deeper into the darkness of my mind. She answers and immediately asks, "Is everything okay?" After a moment, I find my voice, I didn’t know how to tell her that nothing was okay. That something inside me had already started to break loose.

She asks me what’s happened, and I explain that I had just gotten off the phone with my mom and stepdad not long ago. For two weeks, I’ve been begging them for help to buy a new truck—pleading with my mom, telling her she could sell my Range Rover, my Monte Carlo Super Sport, my chopper, or my dirt bike. I just needed help buying a cheap, used truck because my own truck’s transmission had gone out and I was out of options.

When I finally asked to talk to my stepdad — the one who actually controlled the money — he told me he couldn’t help. That he’d made an agreement not to interfere with my mom’s decisions. Then he handed the phone back to her like the conversation was over.

She told me she wasn’t going to help. That I’d run to Mexico before and it hadn’t worked out. That she didn’t want me doing it again. Then she hung up.

Just like that.

I explained to my aunt that this was really the end, though no one understood what that truly meant. In my mind, I knew it was over; it felt like the end in so many ways. My aunt said she was scared and could tell I was extremely different. She wished she could help, but said she had already given me her truck and trailer and didn’t have any more money to buy another. I told her, "I know you’d help me if you could. I just want to say I love you and I’m sorry." She begged me to turn myself in and not go to Mexico, but I wasn’t listening anymore. Instead, I just stared off, listening to the waves crash.

The decision had already begun to take shape in the darkest corner of my mind. I could see it. The murder was already committed there. I had decided what I was going to do, and there was no turning back—just a matter of who, what, where, and when.

When true desperation takes over, all moral reasoning becomes blurred, and everything you were ever taught about right and wrong fades away. In those moments, not only should the world be afraid of you, but more importantly, you need to truly fear yourself and your own capabilities!

I think most people have probably thought about killing someone at some point. Many have probably said, "I’ll kill you" in the heat of an argument, but deciding to actually do it and starting to plot it out in your mind—those are two different things. I knew I was going to kill; I just didn’t know who yet.

© Ashley Williams. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

I want to thank you from the deepest part of my heart for everything you are. The goodness inside you is my favorite thing about you — it’s the part of you that has always felt like home to me. And I’m grateful for the chance to learn from the harder parts of your story, too, the places where the shadows live. Without that darkness, your light wouldn’t shine the way it does. The depth of one has always matched the depth of the other. I’ve always known that.

Walking through your story with you has been one of the greatest honors of my life. Learning the layers of your soul, piece by piece, has changed me. I know how hard it was for you to open these parts of yourself, and tell the worst parts of you. I want you to know I saw every bit of your courage. You were brave. You chose truth. You chose closure. You chose to let your life be seen. And because of that, others will understand things they never would have without you.

There were moments when you wanted to run — moments when the weight of it all felt too heavy, when you fought me because facing the past hurt too much. But even then, I saw your real remorse, the ache in you to make things right, the part of you that refused to hide anymore. Thank you for staying. Thank you for pushing through with me, for looking forward instead of back, for choosing a life built on healing and new beginnings.

I’m here to tell you: we made it. We arrived somewhere only the two of us could have obtained together. And I love you for eternity. I thank you for three things.

First, for being my best friend all these years. I love doing life with you — on the hard days, on the beautiful ones, and on every ordinary day in between, simply because we’re together.

Second, for giving me access to your soul. That is a gift beyond measure, one I never take lightly.

And Third, for trusting me with your truth. Even in your darkest moments, there was wisdom waiting to be found.

Never forget how special you are, how deeply loved you are — especially by me, your eternal wife. I have always believed in your goodness. It’s been there all along; you just needed someone to help you see it again.

You are never beyond our Savior’s reach. Our Heavenly Father and Mother love you.

With all my love,
Your Bestbudsaa XOXOXOX

Well, that’s exactly what this has been. A wild ride.

I’ve had the opportunity over the last two years, based on an 18.5-year friendship, to study and love Mr. Williams so he could take the brave steps to tell his story. So I could provide something to the world.

The journey has been incredibly hard. When it’s good, it’s great, and on his hardest days, we learn the why behind all these outcomes that shaped his life. I hate everything about this situation; it’s actually disgusting. Honestly, I hate this version of Adam the most. This is the man that I feel is exactly where he should be, serving life in prison without the possibility of parole. There was no excuse. Not even his childhood. What he did was so heinous that I, too, walked away from him back in 2020.

He lied to my face on a video call and said something foul about one of the victims. I remember sitting in silence, sick to my stomach. I finally blurted out, “I can’t believe you just said that. You have absolutely no right. How dare you?”

He didn’t reply. We just listened to each other breathe. The air was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I finally said, “Shame on you. Don’t ever call me again,” and I hung up.

Adam spent the next 4.5 years working on himself, and finally, in April of 2024, his mother called and said, “Adam wants to know if you’re ready to talk to him?” I responded I wasn’t sure, and she explained she knew he had tried to get a hold of me over the years and that I would block him. She said he found Christ now, and he just wanted an opportunity to speak to me.

When I heard this, I remembered the strangest dream I had years prior, when I walked away because, in my mind, I could forgive him for his foulness, but I just couldn’t forgive him for lying about an innocent person who deserved to live. Ya know people say all the time “I’ll die for you, but how many of us say I want to live for you”. In my dream, I was holding a book that was about the goodness of God, and I remember reading a page, and it was about Adam. So I decided to see if he was ready to live.

This trilogy has a purpose, and HeavenBound is the focus. Without Hellbound and Banned from the Beach, HeavenBound wouldn’t have the meaning or the value it needs to explain the why.

Please read this book with high discretion. Everything is here. Everything is included. It will change your life—and for that, I am sorry. None of this should have ever taken place. Unfortunately, nothing can be changed in our pasts. All we can do is move forward and try to make the best out of the unfortunate chain of events that taught us so much.

The story in Banned from the Beach is heavy and hard to make it through. That is a major reason behind the timing of this release—it takes time to process the magnitude of the evil that dwells within these pages.

I pray for everyone who seeks answers and dares to embark on the words written with a declaration to overcome our pasts. Mr. Williams expressed a great deal of emotion about the choices he made—remorse, anger, regret, and the wish that he could take it all back. His account was genuine.

This opportunity for everyone is a very black-and-white version of Adam Curtis Williams. If you take the journey, you will meet a man who was once so evil, and at the very same time, you will meet a man you want to love forever. Both exist, but you have to read them all.

Sincerely,

Ashley Williams

The purpose of this book is not to sensationalize violence or exploit trauma. Its intent is to share an account of what occurred, explore the profound impact of these crimes, and acknowledge the long and difficult paths toward accountability, justice, and an offering towards closure.

Readers should be aware that the pain described here is profound and ongoing. Nothing written in these pages can fully capture the depth of that suffering.

In this book, all names, identifying details, and personal characteristics—except for those of the primary subject—have been changed or obscured for legal and privacy reasons. These alterations do not affect the accuracy of the account described but are intended to protect the privacy of individuals who were connected to or affected by these crimes. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or deceased, outside of the main subject, is coincidental or the result of necessary anonymization.

© Ashley Williams. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

So what do you do when you do? Well, you have two options, really. One, you can continue down this same path or.... You can take one step in the other direction. Both are hard, but forever one will always be there waiting for me. My worst version. Opposition is equal, so does that mean the best version is waiting for me also? I’ve spent a portion of my life living and discovering the worst version, what if I decided on spending and discovering the best version of me? What does that look like, and what will I discover? I suppose it’s all in god’s timing and that the truly best version of me dwells in the heavens with him, but can it become attainable here on earth?

Listening to Adam’s stories and reliving these moments with him, can’t help but make me reflect on my own life choices. This story isn’t about me, but being a part of his change and self-improvement has become a huge part of my life. He’s teaching me through the journey of witnessing his escape from the depths of hell, that I, too, have had relatable experiences in my life. I, too, have been broken so many times. Not in the same capacity as him, but to my own. What I have always focused on is overcoming my poor choices. Working diligently to not make those same poor choices again. I do feel like I have achieved that to some degree, and in my life, I have overcome most of my poor choices. However, what about becoming the best version of me?

I live with a lot of guilt. I reflect a lot on the mother I once was and how I failed in the early motherhood years of my journey in being a mother. I robbed my two oldest children of a mother’s love they deserved. I spent it feeling the void I developed in my own childhood of becoming broken. I spent their early childhood years seeking something I never could find. I thought oh if I just get this person’s attention or I can just get high for today I will feel better. Well, the moment lasted in the moment I was making those poor choices, and within minutes, then the shame and guilt set in, and the self-destruction grew. A love a mother should have for their children was robbed from them. When my oldest was 9 years old, I started another journey in becoming a mother 4 more times, and ultimately got a second chance in discovering how to be a good mother and dedicating every day in actions, actually doing it.

My heart breaks for the worst version of me, and honestly the people I effected in my aweful woundedness and most broken version of me, that’s only a little glimpse of who my worst version is. What about the best version of me, though? Why do I have the hardest time becoming her? Why do I let my deepest regrets and most shameful moments hold me back from becoming her? And who is she? Maybe from the guilt and the shame and the fear of overcoming myself, I’ll never become her. I don't want to live this life I keep describing I want to begin again. An right about that moment I mustered up all I had left and began again like shez in the bible.

What if I actually don’t want to stay the worst version, but I am too afraid to become the best version? Am I going to end up like the people that are still sinners and go with satan in the end, but get burned in the fire and overtaken by the plagues like in Revelation? My journey may not be a trajectory of ending up there but what if the pain of regret of not becoming the best version of me is as painfully so as the end of times.

They say the scriptures are a guide to life, Stephen Ferdick says the bible stands for Basic Instructions before Leaving Earth. It’s like concencration or the atonement. Sacrifice.... what if i never become the best version of me and I sacrifice the worst version. I won’t be able to help the people the best me is supposed to help? What if it’s not even about me and about the bigger picture..... the plan he as in our god has for us.

In our family scripture study, we are learning about the sacrifices to the temple altar that Moses built and Nephi’s courage to change his family’s life. It seems like all we are reading about is going on this journey for God and for his glory, and changing our families' lives by becoming the best version of ourselves. When we are all performing at our best versions in the family, the family runs better. Everything just goes a little smoother, and everyone at the end of the day is left with the feeling of goodness. When we strive for our best versions, we leave people we cross paths with that feeling of goodness, and we also provide ourselves with the feeling of goodness to dwell in.

If we all focused on becoming our best versions, we would all contribute to the world at a higher level. I have a friend who shared a talk with me that he gave at one of our church activities. I think it’s important for all to hear, so I’m going to share pieces of it here.

“I still have no idea why they asked me to speak at this trek kickoff because I've never been to trek, and honestly, it’s never been on my bucket list of places I’ve wanted to go. They also asked my wife and I to go be a ma and pa and because we’ve never been, we didn’t have any idea we were committing to or really anything about Trek in general. But we said yes anyway. And it’s kinda funny because a week or two after we committed to go, my wife and I went to a comedy club down in Ogden. And about halfway through the show, the comedian started to tell us a story about a summer camp she went to with her church group as a kid. They were told it would be a really fun experience, so everyone was excited to go. She then said, unfortunately, their idea of fun was to take a bunch of teenagers out to the middle of the desert in July, dress us all up in old-fashioned clothes from the 1800s, and then make us reenact the most miserable moments of our ancestors ’ lives. My wife and I looked at each other like, “I think that’s the same summer camp we just signed up for”. The comedian went on saying, “to make things worse, all the adults were trying to guilt us all into having good attitudes by telling us that our ancestors were up there looking down on us with joy as they watched us do all of it. She then said, “I don’t know about you guys…. but if I died…. and then all of a sudden I was watching a bunch of teenagers reenact the most miserable moments of my life, over and over and over… I’m pretty sure I would realize at that point that I didn’t make it to heaven. ”

But I tell you this story because one its’s funny, and two, the reason we think it’s so funny is that for some of us who have never been to Trek, we view it just like that. Just as the comedian was exaggerating and dramatizing her experience, we’ve all heard multiple dramatic and exaggerated stories that we’ve combined together to create our own perspective of Trek. I have good news, though.

That comedy club motivated me to do some serious research for us first-timers. And It didn’t take long for me to realize that those who are in charge of this Trek are not only fully aware of all the misconceptions and concerns out there, but it’s clear their goal is to completely shatter all of those rumors on this trek. When I heard the first few names of those who were willing to go with us, Trek instantly and honestly made my bucket list. They are the most likable, fun, spiritual, and experienced people I know. The type of people you make friends with in just minutes, and the type of friends that, no matter what youre doing with them, youre having fun. The kind that will laugh and crack jokes with you on the trail, yet the kind that you’ll probably want to call 10 years later for help and advice when real life Treks come. And If they’re in, I’m in. Because there’s no way that Trek is just going to be about pretending to be pioneers for a few days. if you’re on the fence about coming, please just come. I promise it will be an unforgettable experience for all of us. If we get there and it’s like the comedian described, I also promise I’ll leave and go home with you. If you are in my same situation, I also have the Uber app as a backup. I guess what I’m saying is that there’s never been a better time to at least try this whole trek thing out. So please come. But anyway, my talk isn’t even about Trek, so we’re done talking about it. That was everything I know about it, anyway.

I do construction for a living, and the last few years we’ve been able to do some pretty fun projects. My favorite part by far are all the before-and-after transformations. Our job is to basically turn nothing into something amazing and I love that. Recently, I started making some before-and-after videos of these projects, and the transformations were unbelievable. Empty patches of dirt seemed to instantly transform into outdoor paradises with fire pits, pools, and waterfalls. But as fascinating as the before-and-afters were, something really bugged me about all of them.

None of them told the real story. They skipped over the early mornings when we dragged ourselves out of bed, and the late nights when we turned the truck headlights on to keep working. They didn’t show our sweat-soaked shirts, sunburnt faces, or any of the smashed fingers and painful cuts we got along the way. They hid all of the frustration, the second-guessing, and the constant problem-solving we experienced— In short, they left out the hard. And the hard is actually what made all of the AMAZING AFTERS happen.

“Think about YOUR favorite before-and-afters —whether it’s turning piles of dirt into an awesome backyard, rusty old cars into clean shiny show cars, or simple ingredients into fancy desserts… every amazing before-and-after has a middle that is hard. But the hard isn’t a BAD thing—it’s actually a GOOD thing. The hard is what starts the change, it’s the reason for all the progress, and it’s what actually creates the incredible afters we all love. The last few years, I’ve come to love and appreciate the hard simply because of what it always creates.

Our family motto is ‘Choose Hard.’ It’s our simple life hack for creating amazing before and afters in our lives. We all make thousands of decisions a day, but I’ve found that most of those decisions really only have two options. EASY OR HARD—when our alarm goes off in the morning, we decide if we’re going to push snooze or get up. For breakfast, we decide if we’re getting a quick bowl of fruit loops or take the time to eat something healthy. Do I scroll social media for a few minutes or do something productive. All of these decisions are really just decisions between easy or hard. And you probably noticed that the right choice on all of them was the hard choice. Why is that? Because just like in all the before and afters, the hard is what changes things, its what moves us forward, and over time the hard completely transforms things for the better. When you understand that most decisions come down to easy or hard, and that the right choice is usually the hard choice, you only need to remember two words when making most decisions. Choose Hard. Our family made CH stickers for all of our water bottles as a constant reminder for us to choose hard every day. It helps us not only make quick decisions, but also good decisions. If you ask my daughter what Choose Hard means, she’ll probably say. “If you dont feel like doing something it probably means you should do it” and if you ask my son why we should choose hard he’ll say “when you choose hard it helps you when you choose easy it doesnt help y’t help you”.

The topic I was given for tonight was MY PERSONAL TREK TO CHRIST. As I’ve thought about my relationship with the Savior the last couple of weeks, I realized that it is essentially an incredible spiritual before-and-after transformation. I went from no relationship with the Savior BEFORE to an unbelievable one AFTER. But like all amazing before-and-afters, there was a middle that was really hard. Not just hard that happened, but hard that I realize now that I chose to do. And looking back, the moments where I chose hard on my trek to Christ are the very moments that created the AFTER I have with him now.

“Tonight I’d like to talk about choosing hard on our trek to Christ—and not just on our trek to Christ, but also on our trek with Christ. Because it’s not just about arriving; it’s about staying. The unbelievable ‘after’ is not just getting to the Savior—it’s actually staying and walking with Him. I’ve learned that it is just as hard—if not harder—to stay walking with Him as it is to get to Him. Which means that the hard middle never really goes away. But choosing hard not only helps get you close to Him; it also keeps you close to Him. So whether you’re still on your trek to Christ or you’re now on your trek with Him, I want to share four things about choosing hard that I’ve discovered so far on my own trek. I hope they will help get you to the Savior and keep you walking with Him.”

The first thing I discovered on my trek is the simple fact that….

1. IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE HARD

A few summers ago, me and my main employee stopped at Maverik for lunch. For some reason Maverik is where all blue collar construction workers go for lunch. Maybe because you can get a burrito, chips, and a drink for like 30 dollars….

But when we sat down to eat, there was another construction crew at the table next to us. They started complaining about how hot it was that day. They couldn’t believe how much they were sweating and talked about how much they dreaded going back out. After a few minutes of listening to their complaints about the heat, He turned to me so they couldn’t hear and said, “Those guys are seriously idiots, i said why? What’s up? He then said, “It’s July, it’s supposed to be hot.”

That straightforward and obvious wisdom will stick with me forever. When its hot in July, we shouldn’t be surprised. Nothing went wrong. It’s simply supposed to be hot in July.

Just like it's supposed to be hot in July, I believe our Trek to Christ is supposed to be hard.

President Nelson said “Everything worthwhile is difficult, those four words sum up everything I’ve said the last 5 minutes. Everything worthwhile is difficult. Our trek to Christ is probably the most worthwhile thing we will do here. And because our trek to the Savior is that worthwhile, of course, it’s going to be hard. Its supposed to be.

But President Nelson also explained why when he said “The Lord loves effort because effort brings rewards that cannot come without it” hes ’s basically saying Hard isn’t random. And hard isn’t a punishment. —It’s designed to be the price of progress and the only path that leads to worthwhile rewards.

President Eyring’s mom explained this simple fact perfectly to him when he complained that things were hard… She said,

“Oh, Hal, of course it’s hard. It’s supposed to be. When you’re on the right track, it will always be uphill.”

So when your trek to Christ is hard, don’t be surprised. Nothing went wrong. It’s simply supposed to be hard.

The second thing I discovered on my trek to Christ is that….

2. Choosing Hard means choosing the AND

A couple years back, I had an experience with my youngest son that I’ll never forget. We were up in the Uintahs at Mirror Lake, and he was only three or four at the time. He was our cautious kid—always nervous and hesitant about doing anything crazy. As a dad, I hated that. So I was always looking for ways to help him be a little braver. As we walked around the lake, we passed a big log off the trail. I quickly scooped him up, set him on the log, and quickly let go. He instantly crouched down, scared he was going to fall. Just like I knew he would. I held out my arms and said, “Jump to me, buddy.” He froze. “No, Dad, I’m scared.” I said, “Don’t be scared—just jump.” He said, “I can’t.”Knowing I wasn’t going to let him down, he finally reluctantly jumped, and I caught him. And although he was only four, he said something powerful I’ll never forget: “Dad, I did it. I was scared, AND I jumped.” I kept telling him “don't be scared. just jump,” but he realized he didn’t have to stop being scared in order to jump. He could be scared AND jump at the same time. Over the next few months, he kept jumping to me—not because he waan’t scared anymore but because he learned he could be scared AND jump.

Just like he chose the AND physically, I’ve learned that choosing the AND spiritually works the same way.

When I was twenty-five, I suddenly lost the majority of my eyesight. For seven days straight, I woke up every morning with less vision than I had the night before. I literally watched most of my eyesight disappear, and there was nothing doctors could do to stop it or bring it back. It was terrifying and obviously devastating. To make things worse, just one year later, my two-year-old son had an accident and suffered an anoxic brain injury. In one day, he went from a healthy toddler running around crazy and talking nonstop to being completely disabled, never to walk or talk again.

Those two back-to-back tragedies wrecked me spiritually. We fasted, prayed, got priesthood blessings—yet nothing changed for either one of us. I was frustrated, angry, confused, and full of questions. I started doubting the gospel and absolutely hated going to church. I was at a crossroads, wondering if I would stay or go.

I didn’t know which way I wanted to go so it felt like i was living two lives at the same time. I hated church, but I kept going. I had massive doubts, but I kept trying to believe. I was confused, but I kept trying to trust. I did this for years, and it was absolutely miserable. I felt like I was living a lie because I wasn’t making a decision either way.

Looking back, I realize now that I wasn’t living a lie at all. And although I felt like I wasn’t making any decision at all, I actually was. It took me years to grasp what my four-year-old put together in seconds: just like him, I was choosing the AND. I was angry at God AND still kept praying. I hated church, AND I kept going. I was confused about the gospel AND kept trusting it.

And although I didn’t see it at the time, those small decisions to choose the AND were doing something huge for me—just like they did for my son. Because he chose to be scared AND keep jumping, over time, he slowly began to overcome his fear. The same thing happened to me. Because I chose to have doubts AND keep believing, over time, I slowly began to overcome my doubts. Because I chose to be confused AND still trust, I slowly overcame all the confusion over time as well.

Elder Holland taught: “In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. … Hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes.”

Choosing the AND is exactly how we hold the ground we’ve already won until more knowledge comes. Is it hard to have doubts AND keep believing? Extremely. Is it hard to be angry AND keep praying? Absolutely. But the right choice is usually the hard choice. Choosing hard means choosing the AND.

The third thing I discovered on my trek to Christ is one of the biggest reasons WHY we should choose hard. Number 3 is…,

3. When YOU CHOOSE EASY, YOU ARE ACTUALLY CHOOSING LONG-TERM HARD. EASY IS JUST AN ILLUSION.

Last spring, our daughter had her 11th birthday party at our house. We decided to hire a magician as part of the entertainment, and the kids absolutely loved it. They were amazed and fascinated at each new trick. But as fascinating as each trick was, I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that no matter how convincing the tricks were, they were ALL just illusions. None of them were real because magic isn’t real. Each magic trick simply hid the truth of what was really happening. That’s what an illusion is- something that manipulates the truth to make it look real when it’s actually not real at all.

Just like all magic is just an illusion, I believe the options to choose are too. They look real but they’re actually not real at all.

I say that because I have learned that short-term easy always leads to long-term hard. Eating junk food is easy, but it leads to long-term health challenges that are hard. Scrolling on TikTok is easy at the moment, but hours later, it leads to regret that is hard. Think about what would’ve happened if I chose easy on all my projects? If I slept in because I was tired, stopped problem-solving because I was frustrated, or simply quit working because it was hot? There would’ve been no change, no progress, and no amazing AFTERS to enjoy. Which are all HARD. In all of these examples, choosing easy looked like a real option in the moment, but it actually wasn’t an option at all. It was between hard now and hard later. It was between the discomfort of discipline in the moment, or the pain of regret later. Both are hard, but regret is always harder. Because short-term easy always leads to long-term hard, there is no such thing as easy. Easy is just an illusion.

Choosing easy on our trek to Christ works the same way, and no one understands this better than Satan. Because our trek to Christ is the most worthwhile thing we’ll ever do here, Satan’s goal is to stop us on that trek. And he does that simply by tricking us into choosing easy. And like a great magician, he is unbelievable at making EASY look REAL….

When I was at my spiritual crossroads trying to figure out what to do, these were a few thoughts I was given…

You won't go to hell just because you don’t go to church.

You’re still a good person if you don’t believe in God

And you don’t have to be religious to be spiritual

In the moment, all of these options seemed real. They all sounded completely true. But years later,I realized they were all just tricks that were hiding the truth of what was actually happening. The truth was that they were all just clever attempts to get me to choose easy. Tricks to get me to stop going to church. Tricks to get me to quit believing in God. Tricks to stop me on my Trek to Christ so I never get my incredible AFTER.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell summed it up when he said: “The world is full of easy roads that lead to dead ends.”

Next time you’re tempted to choose easy, please don’t fall for it. Choosing Hard is the only option that actually leads to the AFTER you want. Which brings me to the last thing I discovered on my Trek. Number 4 is…

4. WHEN YOU CHOOSE HARD, YOU’RE ACTUALLY CHOOSING EASY. BECAUSE WHEN YOU CHOOSE HARD, YOU ARE CHOOSING TO WALK WITH THE SAVIOR.

There’s a promise in the Book of Mormon that comes up dozens of times…. We’re all familiar with it… Inasmuch ye shall keep my commandments ye shall prosper in the land.” But what does prosper mean? Does it mean you’ll be successful or rich? No. Its actually pretty clear what it means because theres’s a second part to this promise. Inasmuch as ye shall not keep my commandments, ye shall be cut off from my presence. It clarifies the first by saying that if we do the opposite of keep his commandments, the opposite of prospering will happen, which is being separated from Him. So prospering means being in His presence or having the Savior by your side.

In simple terms, the Lord is saying: When you choose hard, i’ll walk with you and help you. If you choose easy, you’re going to have to walk alone.

Our response to that promise might be, Why would we even want to walk with the Savior? My short answer to that would be because walking with the Savior changes everything..

After losing most of my eyesight and my sons tragic accident, our circumstances were depressing. Our before was a mess. We didn’t know how to move on, how I was going to provide for our family, how my son would ever have a good life, or how we were ever going to be happy again. Our situation seemed permanent with no hope of changing or getting better. But when you fast forward to our AFTER, everything has somehow gotten better. Everything has somehow changed. Somehow we’ve moved on. I’ve somehow been providing for my family for 16 years straight, our son has somehow had an amazing life, and somehow, we are happier than we’ve ever been. That somehow is not luck. The somehow is HIM. That somehow is because the Saviors been by our side the entire time.

Claiming the Savior was by our side the entire time doesn’t mean we were perfect at Choosing hard. We weren’t. But I’ve learned that he didn’t expect us to be. That is probably the most hopeful part of our story. I love President Hinckley’s encouraging words when he said, “All the lord expects of us is to try. But you really have to try”. Because we’ve simply been trying, the lord has been by our side the entire time. And I promise he’ll do the same for you as you try to choose hard.

President Nelson said, " Listen to this promise from Jesus Christ to you. “I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you to bear you up.” He then finishes that promise with his testimony saying “there is no limit to the Savior’s capacity to help you.”

Just as I've learned that short-term easy leads to long-term hard, I have learned that the opposite is also true. Short-term hard leads to long-term easy. Because when we choose hard, we’re choosing to walk with the Savior, and his yoke is easy and his burden is light, just like we’ve always been taught.

I brought all of you a little CH sticker tonight, just like our family has. I’m selling them for 30 dollars to help pay for my lunch tomorrow at Maverik. Just kidding. I brought one for each of you to remind you that all incredible before-and-afters have a middle that is hard, but the HARD is what makes all the AFTERS happen. I hope it reminds you that the most unbelievable AFTER is not just GETTING to the Savior, it’s STAYING AND WALKING with Him. So that hard middle never goes away. But I hope it reminds you that just like it’s supposed to be hot in July, your Trek to Christ is supposed to be hard. Because everything worthwhile is difficult. I hope it reminds you that choosing hard means choosing the AND. Just like you can be scared AND jump, you can have doubts AND keep believing, or be frustrated AND keep praying. Choosing the AND is not only how you hold the ground you’ve already won, but it’s also the quickest way to actually overcome all the HARD. When you’re tempted to choose easy, I hope it reminds you that easy is just an illusion. It’s just a trick to make you choose long-term hard work that leads to regret. Most importantly, I hope it reminds you that when you choose hard, you’re actually choosing easy. Because when you choose hard, you’re choosing to walk with the Savior. And having the Savior by our side will change everything. I promise that there is no limit to his capacity to help you and to stay walking WITH him is the most unbelievable AFTER we could ever imagine. And I say this in the name of Jesus Christ Amen.”

What an incredible message of overcoming and change, continuing to walk the path anyway. It’s so easy to choose easy and remain in the HARD life we have created for ourselves. It’s easy to just say lets do what feels good for right now. It’s easy to say I’ll be the best version of myself tomorrow…….. and before you know it, your deadline is here and there has been no effort made in achieving your goal. It’s also really super easy to stay who we’ve always been. Becoming is only a part of the journey, staying that version or even walking with the savior is hard! The hard that creates long term easy. We can have either Hard, we just have to choose.

I bless you today with your strength to overcome and become your best version, the version who walks with christ, the version who never wants to stay where they are or have been. I bless you to stay on your trek with christ and forgive yourself for all the previous choices that led to your HARD. I too had to forgive myself for the mother I once was to become the mother I am now! May you find the hard path you need to take to receive the AFTER you are looking for. The AFTER our heavenly father believes we deserve.

WE NEVER HAVE TO STAY WHERE WE ARE!!! WE NEVER HAVE TO STAY OUR SINS!!! WE NEVER HAVE TO STAY WHO WE WERE 20 YEARS AGO EITHER!!! AND WE NEVER HAVE TO STAY THE VERSION WE ARE RIGHT NOW!!!

Stay on your trek with Christ!

Amen.

Over the years of being in prison, I’ve observed men repeatedly express these thoughts about their wives, girlfriends, or partners. It can be triggered by something as simple as overhearing a conversation at the grocery store, a guy asking a question while filling up gas, or receiving a Facebook friend request. In those moments, my mind takes over completely; Satan seems to dominate my thoughts. I begin to think the craziest things—like that she’s cheating on me or lying to me, that someone is secretly at our house, or that there’s something going on that isn’t really happening. All of it is just a figment of my imagination, yet it feels so real.

When these thoughts take hold of me, it’s as if the temperature rises in my body, and I start to sweat. I can’t stop the racing thoughts; the more I try to fight them, the worse they become. The scenarios I create are so ridiculous and unbelievable, yet they feel so true at the moment. Looking back, some of them are laughable, but I still find myself believing a few, even though I know they aren’t true.

In my case, I have an amazing woman—an unbelievably faithful partner—whom I know loves me and is committed to me. Yet, that knowledge doesn’t help me during these moments; nothing seems to alleviate my distress. I become a different person when insecurity and feelings of inadequacy overwhelm me. I feel as though I am outside my own body, watching myself say and do terrible things to her, while the rational part of me screams to stop. But I can’t; it’s like a runaway train heading for disaster. I end up mistreating her out of fear of losing her—but all of this is based on make-believe scenarios.

The only thing that will truly push her away is my own actions and the way I treat her because of these imagined situations. These whispers, the deceitful prompts from the evil one, aim to destroy everything good in my life. Perhaps it’s because I feel unworthy of anything good due to my past mistakes. I often think I don’t deserve the incredible woman I have—my wife—especially when I consider my life sentences and twenty additional years in prison. I struggle to understand what she sees in me and why she chooses to be with someone like me. I feel inadequate and convinced that there must be some ulterior motive behind her love, even when it makes no sense. This leads me to mistreat her, and I hate that I do this.

I accuse her of things that are so far from the truth. I get unbelievably jealous, and I guess that’s because I don’t feel like I deserve her. I don’t understand why she’s with me, and I don’t believe that she loves me. But the thing is, I do believe that she loves me—I don’t just believe it; I know it. However, in these moments, I doubt everything except the whispering doubts in my mind.

I think about insane scenarios, like someone hiding under the bed or her talking to another guy, and these crazy, random thoughts consume me. I become so fearful of losing her that I start to make things up to try to make her jealous. This behavior is really just a projection of how I feel. I might say that all my exes want to be with me or invent situations in an attempt to provoke jealousy.

In my past relationships, this tactic worked; making women feel jealous often made them run back to me or beg to be with me. But with an independent woman, a strong woman like my wife, that approach won’t work. She doesn’t need me; she’s with me because she loves me and has chosen to be with me.

Even though I know this, in those irrational moments, the demon inside me doesn’t accept it or allow me to believe it. When you have a good woman, trying to make her feel jealous only pushes her further away. That’s not love; that’s not how you treat someone you love. You shouldn’t have to make the woman you love feel jealous to keep her; mistreating her is never justified.

The whole situation is twisted. I'm accusing her of things that are entirely made up. She doesn’t even understand what she’s done wrong because she hasn't done anything wrong at all. It's a psychological mess for her; she ends up crying and asking, "What did I do wrong?" This is such an unfair situation for both of us.

I didn’t do anything, and I didn’t say anything. He asked me a question while I was filling up the gas tank. I don’t even know the guy. It’s just so terrible, and I truly feel sorry for my wife when I act this way. Sometimes, in the moment, when I’m saying the most hurtful and messed-up things I can think of, it actually feels good to hurt her because I’m hurting. They say hurt people hurt people—whether they like to do it or not—that's just what happens.

The thing is, that feeling is so fleeting. While I’m abusing the person I love and who loves me, it doesn’t last long. Then I'm left with these overwhelming feelings of shame and self-hate because of what I’ve done. At least, that’s how I feel afterward. I never really understood that I was doing this to people because I didn’t care enough to recognize it—it was easier to blame them. I convinced myself that it was because I wasn’t with a good woman or that I wasn’t with someone who needed me, so I would act this way: abusing them, accusing them of things they hadn’t done, and creating jealousy where they’d end up apologizing for things they didn’t even do.

I’ve been so insane that I’ve tried to do this repeatedly with my wife. I’m just beginning to recognize what I’m doing to her and, ultimately, what I’m doing to myself. I’m pushing away the woman I love more than anything and destroying our relationship. I realize now that this tactic I’ve used with other women is not working with her and will never work. By continuing this behavior, I’m driving her away and slowly killing the love she has for me.

I know that if I don’t change, she will eventually leave, which is the last thing I want. Yet, I recognize that I am creating that reality. If I push her to the point where she leaves me, I will be the one who is most sorry—because she will have a valid reason for leaving me, and I will have been the one doing something wrong. The things I get mad at her for don’t even exist. In the moment, I might justify my actions by thinking she’s in the wrong, but looking back, I know she isn’t.

When I finally push her to the point of leaving for something she didn’t even do, I’ll have no one to blame but myself. How truly sorry will I be then, and how much more will I hate myself than I already do? As I contemplate all of this, realizing and acknowledging it, I can’t help but think of my favorite passage in the Bible.

Romans 7:14 through 25

We know that the law is spiritual, but I am an unspiritual soul, a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do. If I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good, as it is. It is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, but in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do. This I keep doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work, although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For my inner being delights in God’s law, but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature I am a slave to the law of sin.

That was written by Paul, the most badass dude in the Bible, in my opinion. I feel a strong connection to him because I battle the same demons he did—just different times. I know there’s a demon that dwells within me, whispering in my ears. I have demons tattooed on both sides of my neck; while most people have an angel tattooed on one side, whispering in one ear, and a demon on the other side, whispering in the other, I was so twisted and hellbound that I wanted demons whispering in both ears. I got those tattoos, and it's something I truly regret because the whispers are so real. They speak to me, and I listen, even when I don’t want to. I’m trying to learn how to ignore them, but the whispers often turn into a roar, making it hard to resist acting on what I hear. I sometimes feel like I am truly an evil man.

Ash, my love, I am truly sorry for all the pain, heartache, and the deep wounds I continue to cause. Thank you for standing by my side during my moments of weakness. I genuinely want to learn how to treat you better. I’m a work in progress. Thank you for not giving up on me and for believing in me. I know that with your patience, unconditional love, and the guidance of our Heavenly Father, I will one day become well. I will love you forever.

Forever yours, with all my love your husband Adam

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

I understand that this is a process and a daily struggle for me, especially because of all the horrible things I’ve done in my life. I have a really hard time loving myself and an even harder time forgiving myself. I’m trying, and I know I have to continue to try every day—especially when I don’t want to. That’s when I need it most.

I want to become well, and I feel that the only way I can achieve that is through the strength, guidance, and help of Heavenly Father. Some days, even though I’ve been baptized and am born again, the darkness still surrounds me. The whispers of the evil one want to kill, steal, and destroy; they aim to take everything good and twist it. Those whispers try to convince me and everyone else that there is no hope for change, that I will forever be defined by my sins.

I believe that is one of the biggest lies from the evil one. Even though Heavenly Father has forgiven me for my sins, I still haven’t fully forgiven myself. I’m in the process of forgiving myself, but when the evil one whispers in my ears, and I relive the horrible things I’ve done, darkness creeps in like a thief in the night. It tries to steal my hope and joy and overshadow the light of Heavenly Father.

However, I know that the light outshines the darkness; the darkness cannot overcome the light. Sometimes that’s easier said than done. There are moments when I feel like the darkness does overtake the light because I allow it to happen. I’m beginning to understand that I let myself become overwhelmed and angry.

I realize I am weaker than I ever thought, and that's something I truly despise about myself. This leads me to think that if I believe this about myself, I must be hating myself right now. But that's another lie from the evil one. In reality, I'm not weak; I can overcome the darkness. The light will always outshine the darkness. It's a personal choice, and while that's easy to say, it's hard to do. The truth is, it can be done. I just have to make that choice.

The struggle is very real. Just because someone begins to understand these truths and tries to walk in the light doesn't mean the darkness won't overtake them at times. We are all weak; we were born into a life of sin. Jesus is the only person to have walked this Earth without committing any sin. This isn't a justification to sin or a rationalization; it’s simply a reality.

There is a daily struggle to fight off sin, to resist the darkness, and to ignore the whispers of the evil one. I must not let self-doubt and self-hate lead to self-destruction. These are battles I face constantly, even in my dreams. Sometimes I wake up feeling overwhelmed by darkness, as if I’ve already been overtaken by it. I wonder how to fight that if my dreams are filled with darkness. Can I choose my dreams, or can I only choose how to react when I wake up from them?

These are just random thoughts flowing like a waterfall through my mind, an uncontrollable stream that never ends. I know this: I've never contemplated the light amidst the darkness before. I was consumed by darkness, completely uninterested in the light. Now, I choose the light. I choose to let it shine as brightly as I can. Every day, I'm trying to choose the light and not let darkness and its whispers overwhelm me with negative thoughts and self-hate.

Another struggle for me is thinking the worst of others. I often feel like people are out to get me, lying to me, and I find it hard to believe anything they say. I've come to understand that these thoughts are simply whispers from the evil one, who seeks to kill, steal, and destroy everything good in my life. The people I think negatively about are actually the good ones who bring life into my world.

The devil wants to undermine the good things in my life, so he tries to plant negative thoughts about the people I care about the most. I'm just beginning to understand this dynamic and am trying to put steps in place to protect myself from my own negativity. I’ve shared before that what I fear most in life is myself. I need to safeguard my loved ones—especially my wife and kids—from my own negative thoughts and the influence of the evil one.

I'm learning, trying to improve, and striving to get well.

Please be patient with me, my love. I will never give up this good fight—the fight against darkness and the evil one. I love you forever and will cherish you always forever in eternity.

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

In the back of the journal, I’ve been writing down my favorite scriptures and phrases that come to me when I listen to sermons or read the Bible. The entries in the front were just my random thoughts at the time, some of which I can’t even believe I expressed. I want to share one of those entries now. This was written well before I baptized myself and sealed the darkness out of my life:

“It’s calling to me. I can hear it inside my head, like a voice at the bottom of a well, yelling for me. I hate it. There’s a constant battle waging war within myself over it, day and night. I fall asleep thinking about it, and I wake up craving it. It truly sickens me. I hate where this desire takes me; I feel disgusted with myself afterward, and then I just want more. Today, I woke up craving it so badly that I could feel it coursing through my veins. It was as if my blood was itching to escape. I wish I could peel my skin off and throw it away, flush it down the toilet. I hate myself. I hate my mind. I hate the choices I have made in my life. The worst part is that I know this struggle will never end—not in this life, not here on this Earth. I can see the shadow cast onto the paper by my hand, and I know it’s him—the darkness that lives inside of me. As long as I live, he lives through me. Oh, how I long for this to be over.”

Reading that gives me cold chills. What’s truly amazing—such a gift and blessing from Heavenly Father—is that the darkness no longer lives inside of me. I was so lost when I wrote this; I felt as though I would never escape that feeling. But now, I no longer feel that way. How amazing is that? What a gift from God! I no longer see my shadow as the darkness within me because that darkness is no longer part of me. What was broken inside of me has been healed, and I have been born again. Looking at this journal gives me insight into my mind, allowing me to reflect on how far I’ve come.

I’m so thankful for my best friend for sending me this journal. Without it, I don’t think I’d realize exactly how far I’ve come; my mind wouldn’t allow me to. But this journal serves as tangible proof of how much better I feel, and reading it reassures me that I am not in that dark place anymore—the place I feared I would always be trapped in. God is so good!

I want to share a few recent entries from the back of this journal:

- “You don’t have to do the same things you used to do because you’re not the person who used to do those things.”

- “For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others”

My wife has always told me, “You never have to stay where you are,” and it’s true, you never do. Start today and change your course. Anything is possible, even a sound mind and a new beginning, no matter what sentence you are serving in this life.

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

Getting sober and staying sober is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I used to search for answers and try to fill a void by using drugs to escape my feelings and emotions. On a bad day, all I could think about was wanting to get high and escape from it. It was a crutch—an excuse. I always found reasons to use.

It took getting sober for me to realize that drugs weren’t an escape; most of the time, I didn’t actually feel better after using them. Don’t get me wrong—sometimes I did. But towards the end, just before I finally got sober, I wasn’t having good experiences anymore. When I used to smoke or take other drugs, I would go to a really dark place. I didn’t have fun the way I did when I was younger. I would use drugs to try to escape whatever problem I was dealing with, only to find that they led me to a place I didn’t even like anymore.

I tried to escape from my mind, but instead, I ended up diving deeper into it, thinking the most chaotic thoughts. I might have thought I was escaping from a particular situation, but in reality, I would just go somewhere else that was equally as messed up—or I wouldn’t escape at all. I would end up thinking about the issue even more intensely; I couldn’t stop.

To this day, whenever something bad happens or I feel overwhelmed or frustrated, I think about smoking. I tell myself, “If I could just smoke, I’d feel better.” But when I really think about it, I know I won’t. There’s been a void inside me my entire life that I tried to fill with drugs—a feeling of loneliness, a craving for acceptance, love, and companionship. I thought drugs would fill that void. I used them to forget, lost in whatever mind-bending trip I was on. But when the high wore off, the void was still there.

When I would get high on drugs, I would be left feeling even more empty, shame-filled, and depressed, wishing to escape again. It was an endless cycle, a hamster wheel of madness. Depending on the drug, the craving that accompanied its effects only intensified once it wore off. The desire for more became worse than what initially drove me to use it, amplifying my problems. After the drugs wore off, my issues were still there, often in a worse state, which led me to use more.

However, on the days when I lay my head down on the pillow and hadn’t used, I felt like I had won a victory. I was proud of myself for accomplishing that. I’ve often talked about how I can feel the Holy Spirit and that I know God is real because I can sense His presence. I think what I was searching for my entire life, especially with hallucinogenics, was to understand the world, its creation, and my purpose here.

Now that I have found Christ and read the Bible, certain passages resonate deeply with me. Sometimes when I pray or even just talk about God, I feel the Holy Spirit in a way that is stronger than any drug I have ever tried. The only way to describe it is to compare its intensity to shooting up. The difference is that when this feeling fades, I don't experience the shame or ugly feelings, or the cravings for more that accompany drug use.

The love I receive from my wife, family, and kids brings me another kind of fulfillment. The term “high on life” never made sense to me until now. I finally understand the natural dopamine highs that come with being in love, supporting others, and being there for them during hard times. Those good feelings surpassed any drug experience I’ve had.

I used to take hallucinogenic drugs, trying to discover my purpose and why the world was created. Now, as I read the Bible, everything has become clear to me. I was searching for something that was right within my grasp all along.

I used to hate Christians, and if you had asked me back then, I would have told you that reading the Bible was the last thing I ever wanted to do. Then I started with the book of Matthew and read the New Testament first. The stories in there are so engaging; they are nothing like what I had expected. The feeling you get after reading something that resonates with you is indescribable. Everything I was searching for, I found and more.

I used to believe that doing drugs helped me understand things. Now that I'm finally sober, I've realized that the drugs were actually what was preventing me from truly understanding what I wanted—especially my own mind. Once I got sober and the effects of the drugs began to wear off, things started to become clear to me.

I found clarity in reading the Word of God, contemplating it, and having intense, intelligent discussions with my wife. Processing my thoughts and emotions while reading the different books we've explored has opened my mind to a higher level of consciousness. I now see that the experiences I thought drugs were giving me were actually blocked by them.

I realize now that this was a manipulation by Satan. He twists things and distorts reality, leading us to think things that are untrue. Spiritual warfare is real, and the whispers of Satan are especially potent when it comes to drugs. He doesn't want us to understand our own minds. Without that understanding, we can't truly understand or help anyone else, not even ourselves.

Satan's goal is to keep us sick and trapped in delusion so we can’t comprehend ourselves or assist others. He wants to keep us weak, and there’s nothing weaker than a mind that’s on drugs. Using drugs makes your mind vulnerable to attacks from the evil one, giving him direct access. Your defenses are lowered, and all of the flaming arrows find their target.

I know this because I’ve experienced it; I allowed it to happen for the majority of my life. I never realized it was happening until I got sober at the age of 38.

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

(Adam drew this picture in 2014, while he was serving 100 months in federal prison for drug trafficking.)

I used to say things like, "I would rather die and go to hell and party with cool people than go to heaven and be judged by some old wizard dude looking down his nose at me." I’d rather rain in hell than follow in heaven. I did bad things—horrible things. I physically hurt people just for something to do. I even got to the point I truly enjoyed it. I finally reached a point in my life where I am now willing to follow. I used to be a warrior for the evil one, just waiting for an excuse or an opportunity to inflict pain on another human being. There’s now a war raging inside me. As I have to actively fight against the evil that lives inside of me, because I no longer want to hurt people. The good me doesn’t anyway. So, before, there was just the bad inside me, but now there’s a good me in there too, fighting for the light, fighting for love. The good me does not always win, but he is fighting, and I pray that with time he will overcome the evil. I will become well, and eventually, with hard work, find peace and quiet the evil that lives inside me.

I now want to help others. I want to learn, I want to grow. I want to be a light even in the darkness. I want to show people that no matter what they've done, it’s not too late—it’s never too late. This is also a message for those who believe in a God of forgiveness, and his name is Jesus Christ. It’s never too late to put everything you’ve done in this life at His feet, ask for forgiveness, and become new. I was once truly Hellbound, but I am no longer that man. I have to try each and every day not to be that man. I was that man for 38 years. So yes, I have to actively try each day not to be that man. Some days are much easier than others, so I don’t succeed every day. But I’m willing, I’m trying, and now I want to go to heaven. I’m learning to become a better man.

I want to become the best version of myself possible. I now long for the opportunity to go up and spend as much time as I can with that old, wizard-looking dude, it’s our Heavenly Father. We’ll listen to him. I want to follow him. I have chosen this path. I’m learning to heal, and I’m finding peace within myself. I have discovered the light, and I now crave it like I once craved drugs. I want to stand in the light. I want to feel it on my skin, in my mind, my body, and my soul. I want to help others. I want to help others realize that there’s a better way—this life that everyone thinks is so cool is not cool at all; there is nothing cool about it. For example, what’s cool about sitting in a cell 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the rest of your life? There’s nothing impressive about being an inmate if you choose to sell drugs, kill people, and run around in the streets robbing and stealing—it’s a mathematical certainty that you’ll end up there. With the knowledge and understanding I now have, I would have made different choices during that time, but that’s not possible now. So my purpose is to tell my story in hopes that even just one person can learn from it and choose a different path for themselves. I’m sharing my story to show just one person that there’s a better journey. If anyone relates to anything I say or has been through similar experiences, this is my way of opening the door for you. But that’s all I can do— the rest is up to you. You have to choose to walk through it.

I believe that on the other side of that door, it’s everything you’ve ever hoped for and dreamed of. So, let me clarify the Webster’s Dictionary definition of redemption: the act or process of redeeming. I have an example of redeeming—okay, so let’s talk about redeeming me. The definition of redeeming is serving to offset or compensate for a defect. When I read that, one part hit me: what may you ask? All the word 'defect.' And this is why I wonder—what is the human defect? I would say the biggest one is sin. Our biggest, biggest defect is sin. So, redemption is the act, process, or instance of redeeming us from our sins. So how is that possible? How do we do that, or what makes that possible, was my next question that needed to be answered? I was so happy and excited that my favorite apostle had the answers to this question that my dope ass wife had asked me.

Paul gives us the answer in 1 Corinthians, so this is my understanding of what redemption means and how it became possible. Perhaps another way to phrase it is this: God, our Heavenly Father, came here to Earth in the form of His Son, Jesus Christ. He came here to earth with a specific intent to die on the cross. Jesus died on the cross to compensate for human defect. He died for our sins—He who was without sin—died for the sins of the entire human race. God came to Earth to make redemption possible. It’s built on the foundation of human life. Our Heavenly Father incarnated Himself in the form of His Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross and give humans the opportunity to return home to Him. It was to allow us to spend eternity with Him. The cross was His purpose in coming to Earth. The cross is the bridge or gateway between us here on Earth and our Heavenly Father in Heaven.

In the Bible, to redeem someone usually means to rescue them from some bad situation or from enemies. So Jesus died on the cross to redeem us. Believers recognize the cost of His blood, His best gift. The result is the forgiveness of sins and justification. Jesus came to rescue us from the evil one, to transform our world, and to save us from spending eternity in despair and under the power of the enemy. He rescues us from the lake of fire and wickedness, for the Lord is our Redeemer. The cross is the bridge and gateway—will you lay everything at His feet? Do you choose the light? When my wife asked me this question, it helped me understand. Her asking me this question truly helped me realize that I had no true understanding of redemption before she asked. I had no clue about what it truly meant.

That’s what I love most about her—she has a way of helping me understand. Her question and my willingness to walk through that door to find the answer have elevated my understanding. I now know why Jesus came to Earth, what the cross means, and what redemption truly is. I hope that, through her asking and my sharing this, we can show you the door—it's up to you to walk through it. I pray I see you on the other side. God bless you. I want to send a special thanks to such a wonderful woman. Thanks for asking that question; discovering the answer was so meaningful. Thanks for being you. With all my love, your willing husband, Adam.

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

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I remember one of the people there had a 2-liter soda bottle with a hose coming out of it, and they were squeezing it, with smoke coming out of the hose and onto the liquid in the cookie sheet. I just sat and watched it crack back, and I wondered how much meth was right there. Keep this in mind—this was back when meth was actually worth money. It’s not worth anything now. An ounce used to be a thousand bucks back then; now it’s like $2000 a pound. It used to be about $15,000.

Anyway, my friend and I had left, and while I was there, I tried to gauge how many people were around. There was one woman and two guys, and there were kids’ stuff scattered around, but I didn’t see any kids the first time I was there. We left, and later that night, I went back. I rode my motorcycle over there. I had brought some big zip ties, some rope- actually, I think it was twine. No, I believe it was a nylon clothing line. I also brought my 38 snub-nose pistol. The people were so nice when I was there, and they didn’t seem threatening at all- just tiny, skinny tweaker types. I wasn’t worried about them, and I didn’t see any guns or weapons of any kind. I remember I rode up, got off my bike, and just went up and knocked on the door. As soon as the guy answered, I shoved the gun in his face and pushed him backward. He fell onto his back, and I rushed in. The lady on the couch jumped up and screamed, and the guy- well, I don’t know- came out of the kitchen. There was probably a nine-year-old kid there, too. I held them all at gunpoint, tied them up, then went into the kitchen. One guy was telling me, “ You can take whatever you want, just take it. “ There were Sudafed pills everywhere. I asked him, “Is this all the dope?” because there was a bag on the kitchen counter that looked like it might’ve just come out of the oven, like the one I saw him messing with earlier. He said, “ Yeah, that’s the only thing that’s ready. “ It was almost a full freezer bag.

The place reeked- I can’t get over how bad it smelled in there. I was just thinking about that kid. They really didn’t put up a fight at all. I hit one guy a couple of times because he didn’t want to put his hand behind his back when I tied him up. Actually, I think I ended up tying his hands and feet together on his stomach just to be a jerk because he didn’t comply the way I wanted him to. I remember feeling really bad as I tied the kid up; he just went right along with it. I can’t help but think about when my dad tied me up just before he killed himself, and the experience I had because of that. After I took the dope, I remember thinking I should take all those Sudafed pills, but I didn’t. I just took the one bag of meth and a freezer bag. When I went back into the living room, I thought to myself that these people are going to tell the guy who brought me here that I should kill all these people. I just remember looking at all four of them and thinking I can’t do it. I just can’t kill them. I was also thinking that if I kill them, then I wouldn’t have to kill my friend who took me there, his wife, and their kid. They had a baby, and I kept thinking to myself that I’m just going to tell these people not to say anything, just count it as a loss. If they told the person who brought me here, I’d come back and kill all of them, which means my friend, his wife, and their kid would end up dead too, because I’d have to kill them all. Then I remember I was so far gone out of my mind, just sitting there telling them this—actually sitting down and asking, 'Are you guys really going to be able to take this as a loss?” And the guy I was talking about, I told you, just take whatever we cook up—this shit doesn’t really mean anything to us. We’re not going to say anything; we won’t say anything. I remember I untied or cut the zip ties on the girl and just left. I walked out, got on my motorcycle, and rode away. I didn’t search the rest of the house or take their phones or anything. They never ended up telling my friend that I was there, at least. He never said anything about it.

I’m truly sickened by the thoughts and things I’ve considered doing my whole life. Looking back, I can’t believe I only killed the two people I did and that I didn’t kill anyone before that—especially the people in Washington who were growing the weed. I really can’t believe I didn’t kill them. I wonder why I ended up actually killing the ones I did, and why I didn’t kill others—what divine intervention stopped me from killing more, and why I actually went through with it for those I did. I’m sickened by myself, my thoughts, actions, and deeds. I sold all that meth to one person. I didn’t do any of it—I never liked that drug. I’ve done it many times, but it’s definitely not my drug of choice. I was doing cocaine at the time, but I wasn’t snorting it; I’d smoke primos all day long—literally, all day long. So, even though my actions and the things I might have done were all for money, I wasn’t desperate then. I was super desperate when I killed the people I did.

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

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My best friend read something to me the other day while we were on the phone. It was about narcissism and how people with narcissistic traits often create an alter ego or a different personality to protect themselves from the trauma they endured as children. As she was reading, I felt like it was written specifically for me. Maybe that’s because I am a narcissist, or perhaps I became a narcissist because of the trauma I experienced in my childhood. Reading this helped me understand why I am the way I am.

While she read, I remembered specific instances that led me to create this alter ego, this altered personality, as a way to cover up my fear. It was part of my day-to-day life. I remember learning to block out pain; I could literally turn it on and off like a switch. I discovered how to do this because my dad seemed to feed off my pain. He would beat me, and I could tell he enjoyed it—he thrived on my screaming, my begging him to stop, and my tears.

Once I realized this, I taught myself to turn off the pain. I did it over and over again, and eventually, the beatings became less frequent. I remember the first time I told myself that I would not make a noise, I would not flinch, I would not scream, and I would not cry. He was beating me with a belt for wetting the bed, something I struggled with until I was 11 years old. It was humiliating, and I had no idea why it happened. My dad made fun of me relentlessly because of it.

Long before I turned 11, I was bent over my log bed as he punished me for this. It was an awesome bed, but there I was, bare and vulnerable, while he lashed me with a belt. I didn’t make a single sound. I was able to retreat into my mind and turn off the pain entirely.

I remember him screaming and hitting me over and over again until he finally wore himself out and stopped. I didn’t shed a single tear or cry out at all, which I know infuriated him. I guess it was my way of getting back at him because after that, I did everything I could to provoke him into beating me again. If I could go back and tell my younger self something, I would say, "Good job, little bro."

I also remember the first time I got in the way of my dad going after my mom. He took his anger out on me, and that became a pattern. I was trying to save my mother, but I can’t help but wonder if her allowing him to beat me instead of her contributed to my becoming a narcissist. Each time I intervened, I thought to myself that she couldn't possibly love me if she allowed this to happen. Still, I kept doing it, especially after the first couple of times when she actually tried to stop it. Eventually, she would just run and hide in her room, letting it happen. I remember being beaten in her place and thinking, "No one loves me." It felt like she couldn’t possibly love me, and this crazy monster didn’t love me either; he only loved causing me pain and humiliation.

I recall one particular time when I was at a soccer game; I was around five or six years old, right on the field next to Somerset Elementary, my elementary school. He was screaming and yelling at me from the sidelines, chastising me for everything I did. I was running so hard that I developed an excruciating side ache and had to go to the sidelines, holding my side from the pain. He just continued to lay into me, saying the most unbelievable things. I remember families around us covering their kids' ears and some women covering their mouths in disbelief at what he was saying.

After the game, I begged him not to come to any more of my games. He responded, “You’re such an embarrassment on the field. I’d be more than happy to never watch you embarrass our family or us again. You can’t possibly be my son.” I wish I could go back and stand on the sidelines like one of the other kids’ dads and confront him. I wish I could say to him, "Fuck you. Let’s see you beat me up now; why don’t you pick on somebody your own size?"

I created this alter ego, this badass image of myself in my mind, because I felt so worthless my entire life. My ego is fake; I'm really just a scared little boy who wets the bed, afraid every time I hear a noise or a loud sound. I think absolutely nothing of myself. They had me fill out paperwork because I have a life sentence, indicating what I wanted done with my body when I die. It included options like releasing it to my family, cremation, or burial in the prison cemetery. I crossed those out and wrote "local landfill" because I feel like human trash, and that’s where I believe I belong.

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

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Is life without parole really the end, or just the beginning of something new? I’ve come to realize that it can be both. Personally, I had to lose my old life in order to find my true self. For there to be something new, my previous life had to "die." I had to experience the loss of my former self to understand that there was something better awaiting me.

Many people who enter segregation lose their minds. They do anything and everything possible to escape their thoughts. They may turn to drugs, read books, scream, yell, or kick doors, all in search of relief. But for something new to emerge, my old self had to perish. Receiving a life-without-parole sentence was, in a way, a catalyst for me to rediscover who I truly am. I learned to believe in God, giving me the strength to confront myself.

There's a passage in the Bible that resonates with me; it's called the Armor of God. It says: "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm, then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

I needed God's help to confront myself. I required His support to stand firm and truly look at who I am. I had to buckle the belt of Truth around my waist in order to tell my story and share my traumas. I needed my feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace because diving into my mind and dealing with everything I’ve buried my entire life is essential for finding peace. I needed Heavenly Father's help to gain the strength to face myself in the mirror, to accept and acknowledge how truly sick I am.

I had to accept who I was in order to move forward and change. I needed Ashley's help to wrap my mind around understanding the world through someone else's eyes. My alter ego wouldn't allow me to have empathy or show compassion for others, making it difficult to comprehend how my poor choices have impacted so many lives. I realized that sharing my story could possibly help others; reliving my traumas instead of keeping them buried will bring me peace and help rebuild my ego into something less evil and destructive.

Trying to understand my mind is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. As stated in the armor of God, I must take my stand against the devil’s schemes, for my struggle is not against flesh and blood. My struggles have been internal, confined to my own mind. I've allowed the demons that I have tattooed on both sides of my neck to whisper in my ears and control my thoughts, believing their lies even when my rational mind knows they aren't true.

I am slowly beginning to understand and fight back against my own mind. I am truly my own worst enemy, and I fear myself more than anything in the world. I genuinely fear myself and my own capabilities. I also now understand I can use these capabilities in a non-detrimental way. That this has become my purpose, and it’s important to spread this message of change.

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

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I believe very few people in life truly know another individual. I know there’s only one person in this world who truly knows me, and that’s Ashley. She has given me the most wonderful gift a person can offer: true unconditional love. I can share myself and be my authentic self with her, and even if she dislikes certain aspects, she accepts me and continues to love me.

One time, she asked me what I regretted most about killing the people I killed. I replied that my regret was taking their lives—killing innocent people. She responded that what I had really done wrong was robbing those people’s families of time with them, and I had robbed my own family of life with me. That moment was profoundly impactful for me.

I’ve never been able to understand or view the world through someone else's eyes because, honestly, I never cared what others thought. However, Ashley helps me look at things from different perspectives, and for that, I’m truly grateful. I’m thankful to have found someone with whom I can be completely open and who I’m willing to listen to.

I feel like I’m slowly learning to understand my own mind—why I do what I do, why I think the thoughts I think, and why I’ve made the choices I've made. I believe that with Ashley's guidance, along with my time in segregation, I will eventually find healing. I understand that this healing will occur in God's time, not mine.

While I don't fully grasp why I act the way I do, I hold onto the hope that one day I will. I aspire to create a new version of myself—my best self—one that is willing to understand, willing to listen, more caring, less cold, and capable of loving more than hating. I’m uncertain if anyone other than my close family will ever see this new version of me. I don’t know if my alter ego will allow that, but I’m willing to try.

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

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When we went inside, this guy had black trash bags filled with weed—there were 5 pounds in each bag. He told us to sit on the couch, and I went over and sat down. He brought over a trash bag and set it in front of me. I opened it up and dug through the weed a little. There were big, giant buds—some of them were nearly a foot long. They hadn’t been manicured very well, and I noticed a few seeds in it, which I really didn’t want.

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1st Corinthians 10:13 Paul tells us that God is faithful. He will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it...

It’s hard to believe this at times, especially when you’re in the midst of the pain, when it’s still very fresh. Maybe it’s because my father committed suicide, so that’s always been an option to me, when I think it’s not an option to most people, or maybe it is. I don’t really know. All I know is that it’s always been there for me. When I read this passage, I can’t help but think to myself, is my way out killing myself? Is that how to end the pain, or would that cause me to be stuck in the pain forever? I have no idea.

The demons in my mind are always whispering. They’re always there. I fear they always will be. The warden denied me a contact wedding. That was the first of this pain. It made me question my faith in God because the pain of not being able to press my cheek against the love of my life, which is really all I wanted to do, was so unbearable. I didn’t think I would be able to survive it. Little did I know that pain was nothing compared to what I was going to face for the last 8 months.

I’ve wanted nothing more than to marry my dark-haired little beauty. I wanted it more than anything in the world. I felt like I was denied the chance to marry because I wanted it so much that God was testing me by taking it away, by not allowing me to have it. He was testing my faith in him. Little did I know that was just the tip of the spear that was to enter my heart. What really tore my heart to shreds was when my dark-haired little beauty said she wasn’t marrying me. That’s when my heart was completely torn from my chest, and the pain of having the one thing I wanted more than anything in this world taken from me really began to set in. This was so much harder than getting sentenced to life. The only thing I can compare this to is the feeling I felt when I knew for sure my dad was dead. I feel like I’m dead, like I’ve died inside, like the spark of life in me has been extinguished, like I’m just a shell of myself, like there is no life left in me, like there is no point to killing myself. I’m already dead.

Sometimes I just read the stuff that Adam writes, and I think about how these are the worst moments in your life, and why wouldn’t you include any of the other experiences? His mind fits the perfect narcissist, and I think this is the part that’s hard to bear. The feeling and knowing how selfish he is at moments, for the majority of his life. It’s his natural state of behavior.

This has been a wild ride of emotions and an unbelievable journey of learning and studying a man who is fighting a horrific war in spiritual warfare. Not participating in it but actually watching it all unfold for 2 decades has been so extreme. I’ve learned more from his choices and lessons than I ever did in my own life, not to say my own life didn’t teach me anything, because it did beyond measure. However, watching someone destroy so many lives, including his own, has been unbelievably profound. It’s an experience that not many people get the opportunity to dive deep down into the depths of hell to learn and experience the capacity of the spectrum between good and evil.

As I was sitting in the temple this week and contemplating on the life I’ve experienced for the last two years. I couldn’t shake the thought… We never have to stay where we are. When you feel uneasy or have anxiety in your life, it’s a huge indication that something needs to change in your life. Something major. Only you can decide but don’t ever forget….. nothing remains. Life will continue regardless of where we get stuck, but at any point we decide to take one more step.

I can think of several situations or experiences people have had that encouraged their decision to subscribe; that may be stuck in a very particular spot in their life. May you take this experience as exemplary of poor behavior and exemplary of goodness as a moment to grow and progress in your life.

We can never fully understand the why behind the way people think or behave, but we can take the opportunity to learn in our own lives. May we all gain wisdom in doing so.

© Ashley Greene. All rights reserved. This publication contains original written material protected by copyright law. No part of this work may be reproduced, distributed, quoted beyond fair use, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission.

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